“我想我是，當我以前恐懼一次次飛蛾撲火的情慾襲捲來時，以及情慾過後如死亡般的孤獨，我害怕極了面對那種孤獨。而現在，我只不過是能夠跟孤獨共處。安詳的與孤獨同生同滅，平視著死亡的臉孔，我便不再恐懼。”

很久以後，我在東京媽媽家聼過一張謠唄，唱鶴妻的故事。鶴為報恩嫁給男人，以羽織布贈為信物，華美驚動鄰坊，唆教男人令妻再織。妻勉力而織，唯織時絕不准人看。妻又織成幾匹，卻日漸消瘦下去。男人偷看了她，見是一只白鶴拔取自己的羽毛織進布裏。然而來不及了，鶴已發現男人。羽盡恩絕，鶴厲聲一鳴沖上天去，杳逝無蹤。

荒人手記

Which one of them do you possess?

i've been moving places recently, from the modernest one, USA, to Singapore to China. and finally my parents home Xuzhou. Not sure exactly where I should consider the dearest place or the place i belong. to name the place that i feel at ease the most, it would be at school, except that the school life is a little bit rountine to draw my interest.

i feel myself changing my behavior when the place is changing, which is very weird. sometimes you think yourself is self consistent, like you compare two jackets in different places and you would say the same thing throughout, but it's really not the case. i would choose different ones when in an outlet shop in CA or a department store in Xuzhou. when i came to meet my elimentary school friends i thought i would greet them with the grown-up rules, like shaking hands or giving a hug, but what i did was all like old time, do whatever intimate moves to guys and act like a stranger to girls (which is the boys-girls rule in the old time). when we go karaoke guys would sit on one side and girls on the other, all like old times. the most surprising thing is that i didnt find china dirty or the enviroment is unbearable at all when i come back, which would be the case if i visit some foreign developing county. you cant evaluate it according to some rules or rankings because it's your home; it's fixed in your memory and it'll stick in there forever. i do make effort to evaluate places that i go to visit but i will not when back to china; i will not to any places that i've stayed for long.

到哪里都有钻头。

我觉得新加坡是一个超级闹闹的地方，国立大学和南洋理工的实验室都在钻墙，住的地方晚上有凶猛的沙沙声，不知道是流水还是树叶。新加坡人肯定个个都神经衰弱，这么热又这么闹明摆着是不让人做任何事么。

哪里都忙着装新东西，哪里都忙着换脸，哪里都要制造点声音出来，还有工夫想一想么？

"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is at all comprehensible." - Albert Einstein

So I was thinking of this quote again when Bob responded, and there is indeed something peculiar about this quote that more often at the first glance people will think of it as only fancy words without much more tangible meaning. We often regard the nature as this overwhelmingly intricate machine that runs forever at some incomprehensible laws but physicists are determined to find them out, or what are their lives for? It's hard to define what comprehensible means or we might say everyone has a view of the world of their own and that will be the evidence that the world is comprehensible. And finally after these many years you understand the innermost intricacy of the nature that we human being have understood, you will begin to wonder days and nights why all these laws are so simple and consistent in perfect forms in mathematics, and even when sometimes these laws are so counter intuitive and yet making the most accurate predictions. As Feynman said, "these whole things bothers me; they bothers me," I would interpret this as the most incomprehensible thing by Einstein, and I would say this is what keeps most physicists' minds stable enough to keep their lives going. You know there's indeed something peculiar about the comprehensible world since in any areas beside the sciences you don't always have to give a reason.

space上无感情。感情不需要keep track因为有感觉的自然要被记住而当需要keep track的时候这份感情是否也无力了呢。

很多人在删space我觉得好可惜。favorites里面一个folder的链接，现在倒也有几个是存活着呢。或者在我意义上的存活因为这些链接只对我有意义。/或者整个世界只对我有意义？/我们需要一个流露的空间，在这里可以没有任何界限与拘束，没有任何背景或名字。我们需要一种纯。不然岂不是不知自己身在何处。在何处？

所以不需要contact info/personal info/... facebook做的还不够好吗。

YES.

有些东西需要重复，就像做题目一样，算错了下回算三遍，算五遍。要到条件反射。

intuitively 什么是不好的，有时候是好的，所以就要纠正这个反射。

纠正。

早睡早起身体好。

I got the feeling that summer is coming. When you can smell out of watermelon in grass leaves, summer is coming, as I defined.

But the rain was still hanging in there for like a week before that smell finally flourishes. This is the time when I can cross the streets without paying attention to the cars coming and the time when I want to take in a deep breath and take in the whole world.

My mind is away.

"The flows of magic looks whimsical today." says the Sorceress.

MSN is like sex. or moreover, group sex. Everyone on MSN is drunk. you see, turn on the music and start to move your body. if not, how come two ppl can talk for ever but just "Hi" in real life.

Everyone sounds smarter when doing IM. It gives the perfect timing for one to come out words like those planned in a movie.

Whatever bears affinity to cunning is despicable.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6586235597476141009

Cyber sex. wohoo... I was thinking how that was possible first time I heard this word. but yeah, you can always turn to internet when you feel all alone.

I was talking with her during a late night snack at Hongkong Restaurant and she said that she had this huge amount of work to be done but she couldn't get started. Staring at the computer and thinking of what to do next, this is exactly my mental/physical state right now. Some doable work is finished, more ugly work is waiting. Upon finishing something, you have the legitimacy to take a rest and have some snacks and turn on the music and check all you can possibly check, email/facebook/blog... After that, you start thinking of what to do next. No clue after 5 mins, it's time for checking emails again... The great circle of life, or pseudo-life.

I think I'm more of a social person. The degree of happiness I recieved over one day is of positive relation to the number of people I met. Dead stuff can't cheer me up or turn me down. Everyone is in the ultimate search for the meaning of life and there I got it. Uh-um, that was easy, says Staples.

hearing the birds singing, i sleep. sad.

when is the time that i go to bed with birds and get up hearing them singing? human is so adaptive, or highly controled by their minds than by the nature.

Oh, I cant hold back to quote again--rendering my self-esteem.

"I watched him beating his bunch of grass against his knees with that preoccupied grandmotherly air that elephants have." - George Orwell

and the first page that came up is my blog... i was happy for a while and then I'm thinking now: does this mean anything? i dont have an answer now. maybe tomorrow.

historrically,  第零幕  独行

i was going to write this on last Sat. i think, but as soon as i got a time that is neither long enough to start offical work, nor short enough to be wasted, Chelsea called me to play squash. i'm depressed so i went, and i was quite satisfied with the day when i finally got home at 9 p.m. after the Chinatown dinner and then finished my revision for expos at 5 a.m.

I want to recap what i want to say before Chelsea made that phone call but i'm sure that bit of it has been changed, setimentally, randomly, in a way that is as complicated as collisions wave functions. I'll try. I really want to write it down, as I said in the beginning.

it was a fairly nice Sat. I woke up at 3 p.m. and checked the emails and cellphone messages. As a usual Sat., there isn't much going on, except for those planned several days before so that can be fit into the schedule. it's still a little bit early, i did my laundry. Proctor Monica was also doing laundry and it's a little awkward when she said: "I'm a fraid that there are no spaces left," since I havent beening speaking to her for like a month. then i dropped my laundry and detergent down and went up, thinking that i can't even do laundry efficiently, under the condition that I've been running out of underwear two days ago. My procrastination has presented its ultimate menifestation and I was not feeling good at all. Figuring I'd better get something to eat, I took the bike and went to annaberg. the weather is nice and i can't see a single person that present to me as a person. I lost a big portion of the sense of people as i came to the U.S., under the surface of a friendly weather that everyone has. There are precisely about 10 people in Annaberg and everyone looked a little bit familiar to me, but far enough to speak anything beyond "Hi" to them. I sat down on the edge of an empty table and the weather was really nice. the sunlight shed through the huge colored windows onto the table but not into my eyes. it looked really really warm and when you look elsewhere it became so dark. i started calling friends, of course, in Chinese. I tried 3 of them and cant find any. it's just a so tipically quiet Sat. afternoon--a world that I'm shifting away from. i finished lunch, went downstairs, hoping that my friends would be there playing foosball and there cellphone got away from the reception down in the basement. but no luck. only the foosball table is there, silently. i took a few shots on the table and forgot if any of them got goal. then i went out of Locker and this is when i got the phone call from Chelsea.

。。。我有点不可救药了，大家能帮我么。。。

check email, facebooking or blogging = sleepy = procrastination = alert!!!

so was I shocked, about the resignment of Larry. he is a good guy, i suppose. but in fact, i dont know him. frankly, i really want him to stay after i heard the news. then i search inside myself for the deeper reason and realized that the only justification that i can find is that he signed the dollor bill and this offers me something to brag about when i'm asked to talk a little about my school. wait, actually no, there's another one. i support him in the women in science issue, in a private way. well, not that much, Jian's argument makes sense too. anyway, i really like Prof. Tu's comment on Larry. he joked Larry today on the four books seminar. he said that Larry is more of an economist than a president, knowing only the economic theories and how to maximize utility of the Harvard cooperation. indeed, a university can not simply be quantitized in some figures and models. a univeristy is a place that the most cutting edge earas of this world is being studied and the study of the university itself becomes extremely difficult. i really like the question that Prof. Tu addressed in the beginning of his insight talk. "What is the qualification of a good leader in this fast developing age?" hmm, thought-provoking...